Letter to Hannah

Hi Hannita,

Hope you are doing great.

During the last few months I've been doing research on therapy with psychedelics, particularly with psilocybin, a.k.a. magic mushrooms. I was willing to try it back in Mexico (sessions in Oregon are so expensive and in Mexico you find this stuff for free hehe). Last Sunday I was walking in Venice Beach and I saw a shop that sold chocolate bars and gummies with psilocybin. I bought a bar. I tried it on Monday after work. Not for fun or in a recreational way, but laying down covering my eyes the whole time to see my mind, my subconscious, what lays deep inside. It lasted 4 hours.

I saw the most mind blowing landscapes I could have ever imagined and I went back to my past. I saw my childhood, laying on my dad's shoulder at age 5 and feeling his warmth, I saw all my friends, my brother telling me that he was with me all the time with his overwhelming presence and light, I saw my grandparents and uncles that have passed away saying hi, holding me, I went back to bad experiences and understood them, I went back to a friend who had an accident when we were 8-9 and to a friend whose dad passed away when we were in high school. I counted around 150 people that appeared one way or another, some just said hi, some stayed for a while, I felt immense love from many of them and I felt compassion from their bad experiences (a friend who lost his dog, a friend whose wife got breast cancer a couple of years ago, a friend that had to carry his dad on his back while he was bleeding himself out through his mouth due to a stomach ulcer). I saw the darkness of life and also its beauty, it was just so amazing, so vivid, people were their age at the time and I was too, it was like being back in time. I saw my friends as they were when we were 6 or 7, or 15 or 28. I saw Curtis, Megumi, Rafa, Raul, Carlos, Cesar and many others passing by, greeting me with a big smile and of course, I saw you, at 19 or 20, back in China.

It was so intense and beautiful. I was holding you and looking at you in your eyes, and I knew I loved you and that we were very happy. I felt that I was the best version of myself and probably you were too, like if we were pure, sinless and without all the bullshit that adult life and years have brought in. I said something like "oh, my sweet little girl" and now, after all these years, I know you were someone so important in my life. I don't think of you very often (maybe weeks and months pass by without remembering you), it's been so many years, but I know you are with me at all times somehow and I feel so grateful to have met you and for the time we spent together back then. I don't know if I will ever see you again and I'm not planning to visit you or something, I just wanted to share this with you, to wish you the best of the best always and to thank you for all the good that you brought to my life   =)

I send you a very big hug, hope you and your family are doing great. Sorry if this sounds like too much hehe, it was just an amazing experience and you were there just the way you were back then   =)

Take care, Hannita   :)

Chano.